Our president’s day, thank God, has not passed. Along with the mattress sales, it was marked with several middle fingers in the air, a typically hideous message from a tainted White House, and news that an ominous colossal gold-leaf statue of the worst president in history, dubbed “Don the Giant,” is still stuck on its back in an Ohio warehouse as its creator and a group of his crypto-fraud bros — surprise! No surprise! – Backstabbing and bickering over money. Please rot there, please.
Public sentiment about our latest national holiday is best summed up by one post: “Happy Presidents’ Day. Except for today. Fuck this guy.” He didn’t win any points on the day He slanders The usual obnoxious vulgarity “in the most frightening way possible” advertisement And in a revenge post, “They came after the wrong guy. I was the hunted. Now I’m the hunter.” He is also, of course, an old, distraught “sick man.” confused With unprecedented low approval ratings, perhaps because all he does is lie, bully, bribe, bribe, and in his gluttonous delusion He insists, “We have the greatest economy in history” and it is robbing us for billions Sell his name For hopeful airports and don’t forget the trivial “clothes, handbags, luggage, jewelry, watches and tie clips.” Democracy dies in tie clips.
Now, in a final and terrible insult, he – or at least a flashy doppelgänger – has been held hostage in Zanesville, Ohio, in exchange for a payment of $92,000, having been postponed and downgraded from a planned prime location for his inauguration to the Doral Golf Course – specifically, the 10th hole. The saga of the statue He started When sculptor Alan Cottrell, who has made about 400 statues on commission, including bronzes of 16 former presidents and Thomas Edison that now sits in the Capitol, received a phone call from a little-known Las Vegas sculptor asking if he would like to make a statue commemorating Trump’s brave ear that was allegedly grazed in Butler, Pennsylvania — an “iconic” moment in 2024, a consortium of 16 cryptocurrency enthusiasts deemed it “a A turning point in world history,” and it is also a great opportunity to “show our appreciation for his embrace of cryptocurrencies.” Very funny.
The original plan was unveil A giant 15-foot-tall, 2,400-pound bronze statue of Don, installed on a 6,000-pound concrete base, was installed at Trump’s inauguration, looming over the National Mall. The roughly month-long schedule was tight—Cottrell had to work “insanely fast”—and he was scheduled to receive $300,000. There were difficult moments. When he imitated Trump’s “turkey neck,” the crypto boys were “horrified” and asked for a “more flattering, less realistic look.” The hardest part was the poetry: “Oh my totality! You can’t carve and throw something so… smooth.” However, he toiled at it, meeting the deadline. The night before a crypto group called in: The temperatures had plummeted, the Secret Service had moved Inauguration Day indoors where a two-story rapist might pose a danger, and the new plan was to later install Don at his Doral resort.
The statue disappeared in a warehouse in the capital, then in another warehouse in Pittsburgh. Cottrell got paid over time, but “each payment arrived weeks late.” And in November he rose Come closer With his sponsors with a shiny new idea: The bronze was polished to look gold, but what if they wrapped it in Trump’s beloved gold leaf? The proposal was “like a cup of water to someone dying of thirst – everyone immediately jumped on board.” But finding someone to work on the giant Trump statue was difficult; Several of them turned down the job “because of the subject matter” before one agreed to have it painted with a layer of 23.75 carat gold leaf. A photo was sent to the criminal, who loved it – “Wow, it’s so bright and beautiful” – a plan was drawn up to install the base in an “exciting place” near three palm trees on the 10th hole, and cryptocurrency investors began “actively looking” for a launch date.
But Cottrell suddenly accused the crypto guys – who Includes Dustin Stockton, the GOP strategist investigated by federal agents in Steve Bannon’s “We’re Building the Wall” fraud case, served time for copyright infringement, arguing that they went behind his back for months to promote their $PATRIOT cryptocurrency while marketing the statue: “That was their game the whole time.” Immediately, the deal floundered in the volatile world of cryptocurrencies, a meme coin that is only worth what current speculation says it is; Things got really messy when the voracious Trump, who smelled money, launched his own Trump Coin days before his inauguration, sending the dollar value of Patriot plummeting before predictably falling to more than 95% below its peak. And yet, despite accusations of a massive conflict of interest, Trump reportedly made $1.4 billion from this crap.
Meanwhile, being without the giant hostage In “Financial Purgatory” by Cottrell, who claims the crypto guys are ripping him off and refusing to make the final payment. “They keep saying: ‘Don’t worry Alan, we’ll pay you, we’ll pay you’, but in fact they are illegally infringing the copyright on my original artwork to this day.” They also keep up with weird social media campaignthey post pictures of the base – all their stuff – along with promotions for their meme currency. “The dream is alive and well,” they declare. “What the President has in store for the $PATRIOT community and his inner circle with this reveal is sure to be amazing!” They say they hope to present Trump with one of Cottrell’s previous miniature versions, painted in the same gold color; They want to put it at Oval Bordello, along with all its rubbish.
The crypto cartel claims they will pay the final installment before Don “leaves for Doral,” and Cottrell is trying to “pressure us into it.” But Cottrell says he actually went to Doral a few weeks ago to install the base; He brought a 12-inch copy with him to scale the site—“It was the only thing I could fit in my handbag”—and the landscape architect dug up the palm trees and repositioned them that way. “Gold leaf in the Florida sun would be amazing,” he promises. “But what they owe me is $91,200, and I’m not leaving until they pay me.” Despite all the aggravation, Cottrell says he enjoyed working on the project. But it had taken up a lot of space in his studio for a long time, and now, “I’d like to get the hell out of here.” Many, many Americans can relate.
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